Amanda McGovern

My latest show brought about a new character in my repertoire. 

How do I apply this experience to the deep thoughts of this site I created?

Well the best I can do is to compare it to the idea of emptiness as old scriptures talk. I had a previous dance instructor/workshop director try to pull emptiness out of us. That is pretty hard. I must say that pretending I am dead or rising from the dead helped though.

Black holes for my eyes, skeleton without a soul, body movements with my heart and soul in it displaying an evil lack of warmth. 

I guess I take pride in whatever I do because it is on my path of human growth and potential. 

Its quite fun to be a zombie, dead and hungry. Its simple, its all about taking pleasure on the account of another. 

Is it only our own ego? 

Just thinking after watching “No Country for Old Men”.

What is stronger than death?

Hopefully I do not know that answer yet.

Is it possible to experience a loss before it comes?

It sure doesnt feel like I am making it up, and I feel bad for beginning to prepare but I am just scared, scared of how it will change me, scared i cant handle anymore. 

It hurts so much to love someone but I do believe that is what life is about. Basically just coming to terms with love. Why is the English language so limited on this word. Sanskrit has over 100 words that mean love. 

That is the key to loving relationships. How long have I been spending fighting that? so long that i am so tired. Anyways, all feels good now.

Today I will close my eyes and let the wind blow the rainy mist against my face.

Why is the rain romantic? Can I compare it to love with some sort of justice here…

It is uncontrollable, but if you have the proper rain gutters you can funnel it so as to stop a flood.

It comes and goes but it is always there in the clouds.

If a man showed up at my doorstep right now soaking wet in a trench coat with wilted flowers, I might fall in love. 

Rain is romantic when you are indoors, sheltered quiet and listening. 

It is exciting because it takes over your sky.

Rain is gentle and harsh.

I dream a lot. Well not too much, but sometimes those dreams really affect me. Sometimes I look to my dreams for answers, answers to my feelings or which path to follow in life. I am not sure why I take them so seriously, I wish that I did not a lot of the time. But then there has been a few that were precognitive and that is scary. If It happens once, a person probably is cautious of their dreams. 

Mostly, though, I look to my dreams to see where I am at psychically- my state of mind, unrest or being. I have always liked mysteries and dreams are quite fascinating and personal.

This morning, I dreamt that I opened my door and the screen door was boarded over. So I shut the door. The next time I opened it, the screen part was open but I couldn’t bear to look at it. Whatever it was I did not see it but it was too painful to face. Now that will be my mystery today.

Marijuana in the Brain by System of a Down

He really sees who sees

that all actions are performed

by nature alone and that the self

is not an actor.    29

I was drawn to this tonight and I find that it goes against a random impressing thought provoked by a dream I had at one time. I came up with this phrase, “he is an actor in the truest sense.” 

What does that mean? I was fascinated by what it could mean. Is his life under another’s power or does he have to play a role in order to show his true self? 

In life, we have to play many roles or rolls. At some point we have to accept they are never who we really are. Its like the joy found in conquering a difficult artform. Its all about where can I find the freedom within. Why do we search without for freedom? why do we race so far to avoid our true state? what is my true state?

I have learned acting to be a character or role where you can allow yourself to shine through. 

When he perceives the unity

existing in separate creatures

and how they expand from unity,

he attains the infinite spirit.   30

With acting, there is always a bit of yourself in the character. If we turn that around each character has yourself in it. There is the unity. 

We are simply living in nature. 

I had a beautiful dream last night (it wasn’t really last night but),

we left each other and I was floating next to spirits, happy losing myself in the cloud formations

the world was calling to me

I do love you but I gotta follow my heart

she said, I want to cry with the songs of the world

I cant stay put, I gotta learn to drum, I gotta dance around the earth and share something important.

that is it, it is that simple. I have to listen.

if our eyes could really see…

we might not need our hearts

if our hearts could really feel

our soul wouldn’t hurt.

Without pain there is no loss

Forgetting loss is Love

Kindness returns like emptyness

that feels full.

 

An impromptu poem, by Chris McGovern ‘02

Relationships-
Where is the line between you and me and is there only one line? Is it in fact a box or a bubble that you live in? It seems there are certain ways to enter and certain ways to be exited and it all seems to be in a web of emotions, intelligence, psychology and soul.
Is an intimate relationship -sharing your relationship with yourself with another-?   How do you define relationship with another? What is it that we are striving for? Is it merely co-existing, is it satisfying needs and desires, or is it mostly commitment?

I started thinking that there are different levels on or in which couples or two people connect.  how many, I don’t know. It probably has to be more than one to keep two people together. But what are the most important levels and is each actually able to be clear with that and where and how they want to connect.
Some levels I have come up with:

Communication- specifically talking, listening and being able to understand one another and feel satisfied after talking and better about yourself.

Physical- (unfortunately just now I am sad that I am over analyzing and I miss being blinded by love. Youthful love is probably blindness like that U2 song. Mature love must be loving and accepting while seeing clearly.)  Anyhow I still want to continue this discussion. Physical connection is feeling the other is touching them the right way, being able to feel their intentions behind the touch and feel that it is about love and not about having a sex object. Then there is the visual aspect as well. This includes how someone looks at the other and how that affects them, or using eyes to communicate. Liking the look of your partner’s body and facial features. But most of all it is just a natural connection that is passionate. Very simple and can’t be made up.

Spiritual- Hearing through the air when the other is dancing. Being lifted higher when the other is practicing their love, knowing when someone is out there thinking of you even if it is delayed… you can hear it and you think you might have crossed their mind too. Inspired randomly to contact someone because something reminded you of them. A deeper level than emotional or connected to emotional if you are that kind of person.

Emotional-  Feeling extreme empathy or sympathy for another. Wanting to help them however you can. Feel like you want to take care of them even if they don’t ask for it. Connection through some strong experience of pain. Like one hurt heart meets another. (A match made in hell .

Expression- Two people have a desire to express something similar. They want to share it with the world. They are very passionate about it. Or one likes how the other expresses his or her self and strives to be similar. Being in an open state of mind.

Work- Meeting at work or having compatible jobs. A way to connect through gossip or dropping eaves. Two people want to work together to create a business. Or on another plane, dance communities can be very strong because there is a lot of understanding and mutual working conditions and paths crossed over and over. It is always about puzzle pieces falling in place from past connections.

Play- meeting at a bar or nightclub.  Being into a scene that someone else is. Could be a lot of fun to become popular in a scene or have had your eye on someone for awhile merely because you hang at the same spots.

So, it seems my point is to decide where i want to connect with someone intimately to bring about my happiness. And make sure that it is mutual. Or at least open it up for discussion to really take an honest look at what is going on and why there are problems in relationships.

I invite more levels of connection to be posted here. Thanks!