Amanda McGovern

Is it possible, fate could be in the balance of my smile?

Ups and downs- that’s me. no steady rise. yet actually i do see it in part of my life. But I do look at life and my life through those two lenses and there is a different world in each. 

In the world of the Relaxed Heart Smile, everything flows alright. I want to write poetry, I am inspired and ready to fall into something beautiful. But it comes and goes during the day.

In the world of the Frown, I live in a world of adrenaline, excitement and depression. Bad memory and bad habits. If my place is not a mess, then I am left to see the mess in myself.

(by diablata)

To produce an ongoing narrative. I am now becoming aware that I am a blogger. 

I like to write when the heat hits my fingertips. I like the live, in-the-moment, types of thoughts. 

I would rather create and share now than write a book after the fact and struggle.

I listen to the radio because its live and local. 

I want to share what little knowledge I have because life is short and I have too much to figure out and…

especially.. figure out why I have to figure it out.

Maybe show that its normal. Personal struggles are real. 

Artist: Madalina Iordache

www.madyiordache.com

crossed legs/crossed arms

Rest until there is no feeling of the limbs

sitting in a bag/hazy sense of pretzel energy

Tired of being Tired

running home to an empty garage

to be lonely and comforted by aloneness

a sense of hiding in the cold/afraid of warmth

cautious of happiness

genuinely disingenuous

the taking in of uppers and the taking in of downers

in to go up and down at the same time

sliding along the outside of heart/ just passing by

My latest show brought about a new character in my repertoire. 

How do I apply this experience to the deep thoughts of this site I created?

Well the best I can do is to compare it to the idea of emptiness as old scriptures talk. I had a previous dance instructor/workshop director try to pull emptiness out of us. That is pretty hard. I must say that pretending I am dead or rising from the dead helped though.

Black holes for my eyes, skeleton without a soul, body movements with my heart and soul in it displaying an evil lack of warmth. 

I guess I take pride in whatever I do because it is on my path of human growth and potential. 

Its quite fun to be a zombie, dead and hungry. Its simple, its all about taking pleasure on the account of another. 

Is it only our own ego? 

Just thinking after watching “No Country for Old Men”.

What is stronger than death?

Hopefully I do not know that answer yet.

Is it possible to experience a loss before it comes?

It sure doesnt feel like I am making it up, and I feel bad for beginning to prepare but I am just scared, scared of how it will change me, scared i cant handle anymore. 

It hurts so much to love someone but I do believe that is what life is about. Basically just coming to terms with love. Why is the English language so limited on this word. Sanskrit has over 100 words that mean love. 

That is the key to loving relationships. How long have I been spending fighting that? so long that i am so tired. Anyways, all feels good now.

Today I will close my eyes and let the wind blow the rainy mist against my face.

Why is the rain romantic? Can I compare it to love with some sort of justice here…

It is uncontrollable, but if you have the proper rain gutters you can funnel it so as to stop a flood.

It comes and goes but it is always there in the clouds.

If a man showed up at my doorstep right now soaking wet in a trench coat with wilted flowers, I might fall in love. 

Rain is romantic when you are indoors, sheltered quiet and listening. 

It is exciting because it takes over your sky.

Rain is gentle and harsh.

I dream a lot. Well not too much, but sometimes those dreams really affect me. Sometimes I look to my dreams for answers, answers to my feelings or which path to follow in life. I am not sure why I take them so seriously, I wish that I did not a lot of the time. But then there has been a few that were precognitive and that is scary. If It happens once, a person probably is cautious of their dreams. 

Mostly, though, I look to my dreams to see where I am at psychically- my state of mind, unrest or being. I have always liked mysteries and dreams are quite fascinating and personal.

This morning, I dreamt that I opened my door and the screen door was boarded over. So I shut the door. The next time I opened it, the screen part was open but I couldn’t bear to look at it. Whatever it was I did not see it but it was too painful to face. Now that will be my mystery today.

Marijuana in the Brain by System of a Down