Amanda McGovern

Tea cup twirling in right hand near my ear

the musical steam tickles my brain

heavy head sways

Feet are up, knees and hips relaxed

contemplating the day with softness as the steam rolls over my left shoulder turning my head to see the purple butterfly hanging

Death becomes Art as I hang myself red-dress-doll on the stage tonight

My attention is out, and now its time to go in

funny thing is, the more i go in the more im coming out

how does that make sense?

living alone and time spent alone is starting to become a connection to the outer world

a world way beyond me, way beyond us

yes space is beautiful

thinking of u thinking of me 

is the happiest i can be

i already have what i want and i dont want anything

just listen amanda, just listen to yourself bubbling up inside yourself

dont worry about what anyone else thinks

is that how you dance like no one is watching?

its not in words, no it just is

when you got it, you got it and you go and get it

just please please take the time to learn to sit with yourself

its the only way

peace

and, 

i sit in a nice triangle pose waiting to be rung from the three interior sides

i gaze down into the abyss below, as if on the edge of a very solid cliff

its a mystery, the only thing i can hold on to

tonight i sit with myself

i shed the dancer, my identity for many years

now i am just a human being with losses and gains to come

I cry and then a small smile of adventure hits the right corner of my mouth

What is home? Home is where you feel the deepest affection, no matter where you are. That is from the dictionary as well as many other definitions. 

Does this mean, if I do not have a home to call my own, yet I have my heart- I am not homeless? 

Having a space to take care of and clean is work. But it is a wonderful metaphor for the cleaning we need to do in our minds on a daily basis. 

I learned the above on a Vipassana meditation retreat in Occidental a few years back. With a 10-day vow of silence and 10 hours a day set up for meditating and learning a specific method, I experienced that the mind is going much faster than most of us are aware of. 

I did some weeding there and coming out of it I felt more positive and had some wonderful happy dreams. However as I was not able to keep it up, negativity crawled in again or I had made space to receive the negative along with the positive. 

Anyways, space is sacred, whether it is personal home space or mental and body space. The question is, how to open up the right amount to let the new in and live and then to protect yourself from getting scars in the process. 

A good friend of mine, used to say something to me a lot. The wording never quite came through clearly but this is it:

There is always the worst that can happen and there is always the best that can happen when you take a risk, so be happy with an outcome that is anything in the middle. 

Sometimes I regret doing something or not doing something when I have a “great” idea or confusing feelings. But in the end, I prefer that I do something that possibly might make someone smile even if it makes me look a fool. 

Next thought here is that I should always be thankful that I have these choices and this time to experiment with risks. Because I just ran into an old friend today, younger than myself, going through something very tough. Poor guy standing there in the rain, coffee in one hand, cigarette in the other just trying to get himself around the corner and into work. Something is wrong with his blood clotting. And of course the medication he needs to take makes him feel like shit. How tough is it to face when the very thing you need to do to stay alive makes your mood and body feel so bad, when it is that pill that makes you unhappy more so than the disease. What do you do?

Excerpts from Shambhala, The Sacred Path of the Warrior

Came across these impacting lines today.

“In that journey through life, human beings must overcome the neurotic attachment of being the child-of-somebody.”

NOWNESS

“We need to find the link between our traditions and our present experience of life. Nowness, or the magic of the present moment, is what joins the wisdom of the past with the present.”

I look to my dreams for meaning. I am not sure where dreams come from but I hope it is a source of knowledge from within. Obviously, everyone makes their own interpretations of their own dreams, so that can be infused with whatever they are looking for, wanting or trying to figure out. What I enjoy is intellectualizing personal matters that I need to deal with in such a way that it will help me move onto the next step in my life. I hope I am not simply satisfying my ego by spending time thinking I can unlock major mysteries. 

This site is also not intended to be a public diary per say, but rather an offer of ideas or conclusions that I brew up- with regard to my life’s experiences that have been out of my control. 

Please forgive my attempt at writing clearly because sometimes I think backwards or, in order to write, I need to reverse and rearrange my train of thought. 

With that said, I would like to share something about attraction versus survival. Sometimes they are intertwined. Possibly a person can be attracted to another because they hold a similar understanding of the world. However, if you truly believe something, facing it is another matter. It is more about what you are ready for or actually needing to cope with in your daily life. 

We have to reach out to each other because we are here together for an indefinite amount of time. 

Perspective is key. Perspective is everything. I believe people have a choice with perspective because how do great people make it when they come from so little? 

For example, I think we have a pretty cool President right now. I am not political myself, but I am part-humanist. Obama does reach out to that aspect simply because of his life experience. Of course I do not know him, but he seems to have a higher perspective than himself. 

a bob dylan song-

“she’s got everything she needs

she’s an artist, she don’t look back 

she can take the dark out of the nighttime

and paint the daylight black.

you will start out standing, proud to steal her anything she sees

but you will wind up peeking through a keyhole

down upon your knees

she never stumbles

she go no place to fall.

she’s nobodies child

the law can’t touch her at all.

she wears an egyptian red ring

it sparkles before she speaks.

she’s a hypnotist calypto 

walking antique.

bow down to her on sunday, salute her when her birthday comes

for halloween give her a trumpet, christmas buy her a drum.”

The painting below is signed by the artist on my wall. I love to contemplate the meaning:

ENJOY!

Actually a wierd after thought here:  Being means existing/alive, and Inter means place a corpse in a grave. Is this a grave existence? well I liked my interpretation better, which is something in between two people that showers them with rainbows.

what is your interpretation please?

Its about tasting sweet nectar before the tea touches your tongue.

It hits the spot as you’re going for it.

The liquid steam rolls and twirls at the top of my cup

disappears into the room