Amanda McGovern

My Life

I feel you softly

I fuel You softly

a hot air balloon floats at sunrise

You are a hammock that I rest upon

rolling Me gently side to side

back and forth in Your mind

ill be a ship that sails on your water

together we can be the ocean

so vast and open but safe

both held so as not to be too heavy for the other

quivering with delight

cells rolling

We’ve already made love before We make love

We met on the shore burning

Our energies found each other there

slowly guiding us to cross paths

the day changed time

and home found me.

You  are   My   life

Music can change a room

when the scene is just right

vibrations lift the inhabitant then swoop her rock her hold her carry her

in ways that could be called a dance

music has power over its lovers

life journeying through life

\”Devolver\”I choreographed and performed this solo for my brother Ryan’s senior recital in 2006. This video will be edited because the music is not correct. It stopped and started in the middle of the show. I will be recording it again this month.

exploring energy.

1. energy is awesome!
2. it likes to move.
3. it vibrates when it is still.
4. its more powerful in nature.
5. if you capture it, you have to release it.
6. it just is.
7. its all about you and what you do with it.

999

“man often imagines that thoughts are without life; he does not see that they are more alive than the physical germs and that they have a birth, childhood, youth, age and death. ”

-the mysticism of sound and music

Tea cup twirling in right hand near my ear

the musical steam tickles my brain

heavy head sways

Feet are up, knees and hips relaxed

contemplating the day with softness as the steam rolls over my left shoulder turning my head to see the purple butterfly hanging

Death becomes Art as I hang myself red-dress-doll on the stage tonight

My attention is out, and now its time to go in

funny thing is, the more i go in the more im coming out

how does that make sense?

living alone and time spent alone is starting to become a connection to the outer world

a world way beyond me, way beyond us

yes space is beautiful

thinking of u thinking of me 

is the happiest i can be

i already have what i want and i dont want anything

just listen amanda, just listen to yourself bubbling up inside yourself

dont worry about what anyone else thinks

is that how you dance like no one is watching?

its not in words, no it just is

when you got it, you got it and you go and get it

just please please take the time to learn to sit with yourself

its the only way

peace

and, 

i sit in a nice triangle pose waiting to be rung from the three interior sides

i gaze down into the abyss below, as if on the edge of a very solid cliff

its a mystery, the only thing i can hold on to

tonight i sit with myself

i shed the dancer, my identity for many years

now i am just a human being with losses and gains to come

I cry and then a small smile of adventure hits the right corner of my mouth

What is home? Home is where you feel the deepest affection, no matter where you are. That is from the dictionary as well as many other definitions. 

Does this mean, if I do not have a home to call my own, yet I have my heart- I am not homeless? 

Having a space to take care of and clean is work. But it is a wonderful metaphor for the cleaning we need to do in our minds on a daily basis. 

I learned the above on a Vipassana meditation retreat in Occidental a few years back. With a 10-day vow of silence and 10 hours a day set up for meditating and learning a specific method, I experienced that the mind is going much faster than most of us are aware of. 

I did some weeding there and coming out of it I felt more positive and had some wonderful happy dreams. However as I was not able to keep it up, negativity crawled in again or I had made space to receive the negative along with the positive. 

Anyways, space is sacred, whether it is personal home space or mental and body space. The question is, how to open up the right amount to let the new in and live and then to protect yourself from getting scars in the process. 

A good friend of mine, used to say something to me a lot. The wording never quite came through clearly but this is it:

There is always the worst that can happen and there is always the best that can happen when you take a risk, so be happy with an outcome that is anything in the middle. 

Sometimes I regret doing something or not doing something when I have a “great” idea or confusing feelings. But in the end, I prefer that I do something that possibly might make someone smile even if it makes me look a fool. 

Next thought here is that I should always be thankful that I have these choices and this time to experiment with risks. Because I just ran into an old friend today, younger than myself, going through something very tough. Poor guy standing there in the rain, coffee in one hand, cigarette in the other just trying to get himself around the corner and into work. Something is wrong with his blood clotting. And of course the medication he needs to take makes him feel like shit. How tough is it to face when the very thing you need to do to stay alive makes your mood and body feel so bad, when it is that pill that makes you unhappy more so than the disease. What do you do?